


a home that won’t leave you

by lilynete



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Middle School, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27339079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilynete/pseuds/lilynete
Summary: No matter how much he tried, Rin could never seem to fit in. With no friends and no direction in life, things aren’t easy. But even if he has nothing else, at least he’ll always have his family—-won’t he?
Comments: 46
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> wow wow here it is....my first dive into writing for this fandom and it’s my first multichapter fic in a million years! i’ve been really excited and having a lot of fun working on this, so please enjoy it!

If there was one thing Rin had  _ not  _ been looking forward to the entire break, it was returning to school. While other students had spent their last day of elementary school chattering excitedly about their high hopes for entering middle school, he had just been relieved that he wouldn’t have to step foot in the halls that had bear witness to every violent outburst and echoed every whisper of  _ demon, monster  _ ever again. And now, as his brief days of relative freedom and peace came to a close, he felt the knot of dread in his gut grow tighter and tighter.

Yukio had been ready to go for at least 20 minutes now---- _ who knows how much earlier he’d gotten up? _ \----but decided to wait at the bedroom door for his brother to tiredly pull himself out of bed and into his new uniform rather than go on ahead, even despite Rin’s assurance that he didn’t have to get held up on his account.

“It’s better if we walk together.” Yukio insisted, a slight tinge of worry in his eyes hinting that he was a little too nervous to go alone. In the past couple years, Yukio had certainly grown from the crybaby he used to be. Rin had no idea where the growth had come from, but there was no way he couldn’t notice it. He supposed he was still the same little brother he’d always had, though, and even Yukio couldn’t just shove  _ all _ his nerves aside so easily.

_ That’s why I’ve gotta look out for him. _

“Alright boys, c’mon! You don’t wanna be late to your first day!” Shiro’s voice called out from down the hall of the monastery. 

“Yeah, yeah. We’re coming!” Rin called back with an irritated scowl as he finished sloppily buttoning his uniform and the two of them made their way towards the front door where their father was standing. “Chill out, would ya? We got plenty of time to get there.”

His grumpiness was mostly ignored as Shiro grinned down at the two of them. “Look at you both, middle schoolers already!” He exclaimed while giving them each a pat on the head. “I swear just yesterday I had to bend down to the floor to reach ya like this. You’re really makin’ me feel old, you know.”

“You  _ are _ old.” Rin countered as he attempted to duck out from under his father’s hand, but the barest hint of soft fondness melted into his tone now. “Let  _ go _ . I thought you didn’t want us to be late.”

Shiro laughed, utterly amused and unbothered by his eldest son’s attitude. He gave his hair a light ruffle before releasing both their heads. “Alright then, let’s get going.”

“You’re bringing us? Seriously?”

“Of course! Wouldn’t wanna miss the entrance ceremony, would I?” Shiro pulled a little disposable camera from his pocket for emphasis and waved it with a grin. Rin groaned in response and tried in vain to reassemble the mess on top of his head, and with that the three of them headed out the door.

As they exited the property, a couple of the other priests waved and wished them luck. Though he would never admit it, Shiro’s presence was a calming warmth that washed away the worst of Rin’s mood. Even still, the sinking dread remained, and it grew heavier with every step.

“I wonder if we’ll be in the same class again.” Yukio cut through the silence in an attempt to lighten his brother’s gloomy mood.

“Yeah, that’d be pretty cool, huh? That way I can keep an eye on ya and make sure you’re hanging in there alright.”

“I think you’re the one that needs to be kept eye on, Nii-san.” Yukio retorted with a small laugh. Rin stammered in response, wanting to object, but before he had the chance to get the words out, Shiro cut in

“Now, now boys. You should  _ both  _ be looking out for each other. Same class or not.” They both looked like they wanted to object to that,  _ insist _ that it was their job to watch over the other. Instead of voicing as much out loud and starting an argument, they silently determined that’s how it would be anyways and nodded in a synchronization that only twins could achieve. 

The rest of the walk went by mostly in silence, Rin still brooding just a little and Yukio too filled with nervous anticipation to be much of a catalyst for more conversation. When they reached the school gates at last, Shiro immediately herded them together for a  _ family photo _ , peace signs flashed over the heads of his two boys with an exaggerated grin wide enough to take up half his face.

The ceremony itself is a blur to Rin, the principal’s opening remarks bounced off his ears and all the teacher’s blended together as they stepped up for introductions. Some third year makes a speech that he’d already forgotten by the time she’d returned to her seat. He’d never been good at paying attention to these types of things, even when he  _ really  _ tried. Today, he didn’t particularly feel like trying at all.

Shiro flagged them down when it was over, the goofy grin he wore earlier shifted into a more sincere smile. “Have a good day. Remember, this is a fresh start for you both. Make it a good one.”

“Thank you, father. We’ll do our best.” Yukio spoke with a nod.

“.....Yeah.” Rin agreed less confidently. He appreciated the sentiment, but that didn’t mean he felt very good about it. Shiro’s eyes scanned over them both one last time before he turned to walk away with another goodbye, leaving the two brothers to hunt down their classes and officially begin their lives as middle schoolers.

They turned out to be in different classes after all. Yukio found his first, hesitating at the doorway for a moment until Rin gave him a gentle push forward and wished him luck. “You’re gonna do great so don’t even worry about it. I’ll see ya at lunch?”

Yukio nodded, straightening a little as he amped himself up to enter the room. “See you. And….good luck to you too, Nii-san.”

Left on his own at last, Rin contemplated just making a run for it now.  _ No one would know if he just never showed up, right?  _ It’s a truly tempting thought, but Yukio’s and the old man’s words of encouragement ring in his head.  _ He doesn’t wanna let them down. So he should at least try, huh? _

It’s the strongest resolve he’s going to manage to work up on the matter, but it’s enough. Hands shoved in his pockets, Rin headed down the hall to his own classroom. He ended up passing it twice before  _ actually  _ finding it, but once he made it in he was quick to find an empty seat towards the back.

“Hey.” The girl sitting in front of him spun in her seat as soon as he slid into his own, ponytail swinging behind her with the movement. “I’m Takahashi Kohaku. What’s your name?”

Startled by the sudden casual introduction, Rin blinked a couple times before responding. “Er….Okumura Rin….Nice to meet you.”

For some reason, she seemed delighted by his response. “You too! Aa, the first day of school’s always kinda scary, isn’t it? All my old friends ended up going to different schools, so I don’t know  _ anyone _ yet. I hope the teachers are nice too...”

“Yeah….”

_ Maybe this won’t be so bad after all…  _ Rin began to think, feeling the tight dread still coiled in his gut begin to unravel just a little. Just as he started to relax at the idea of making a friend, though, the girl in the desk beside Kohaku’s gave her a gentle smack on the arm and pulled her away.

“You shouldn’t talk to that guy,” She whispered, although it was obvious she wasn’t making much of an effort to hide her voice from Rin. “My friend went to the same elementary school as him and I heard he’s, like,  _ super _ bad news.”

“Eh? But—”

“Seriously, she told me he used to just  _ lose it _ out of nowhere. Apparently once this kid got hurt so bad he ended up in the  _ hospital _ . He sounds totally scary, like some kinda  **_demon_ ** .”

_ Ah. There it was. Of course he wouldn’t hear the end of this just because it was some stupid new school. They were all the same. _

Kohaku looked back at him now with something different in her eyes, something fearful. The dread from before reclaimed its forceful grip on him. He slumps back into his seat, wishing he could just disappear. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like he would suddenly come upon that ability, but at least the whispering had ended for now.

_ Just as fast as his prospects for any friendship. _

Not long after that, class officially began. Their homeroom teacher started them off with self-introductions. Rin muttered reluctantly through it when his own turn came, ignoring the way Kohaku refused to even turn her head towards him again. When it was over, he buried his head in his arms atop his desk and tuned out the rest of the class.  _ No point in trying to pay attention when he’s going to flunk everything anyways. _

He remained in his own little bubble like that until the sound of the lunch bell popped it open.  _ Finally. _ He was starving, and at least now he’d get to see Yukio. Hopefully the first half of his day was going significantly better than Rin’s own.

_ It must be. Yukio’s such a good guy, there’s no way he wasn’t making friends already.  _ The thought made him falter for a moment as he moved to stand from his desk. His eyes wandered towards Kohaku, who was moving to the front of the room with the girl who had called Rin a demon to join another group as they pushed their desks together to eat.  _ Maybe he shouldn’t talk to Yukio during school…. _

Coming to the conclusion that it’d be best for his brother not to be seen around him, Rin remained planted at his desk and pulled out the bento he’d packed for himself. He’d made one for each of them the night before, the only thing that had settled his anxious mind enough to get some sleep afterwards. Digging in now brought little comfort, and his stomach still grumbled with want even after he’d finished every last bite, but at least it provided a distraction from the chattering and giggling around him.

The second half of the school day passed much like the first. Teachers droned out introductions to their respective subjects that were almost completely incomprehensible to Rin, none of his classmates make any more attempts to engage with him, and neither does he. Finally after what felt like an eternity, the bell rang out once more signalling freedom. Rin practically booked it to the front gate to wait for Yukio.

“Nii-san!” His brother called out as he jogged up to his side, a few minutes after Rin’s own arrival. “Sorry about lunch. Some girls in my class asked me to sit with them and, er….I wasn’t sure how to turn them down.”

Yukio’s sheepish apology made him blink in surprise.  _ So he had no idea he’d skipped out on their plan to eat together too...  _ He contemplated telling him for a moment, but it’d probably only make him worried.

“Oh. Don’t worry about it. I figured it was something like that.” Rin flashed a grin. “Mr. Popular already, huh? I’m not surprised at all. I knew you wouldn’t have any problem making friends.”

“I don’t really know if we’re  _ friends _ ….” Yukio looked flushed at that.

“ **_Girlfriends_ ** _ , _ then?” Rin’s eyes widened in mock appalment. “Now this I can’t believe! My own brother, such a  _ playboy--- _ !”

“Shut  _ up _ .” If Yukio was embarrassed before, now he was absolutely steaming. 

The reaction caused Rin to bark out a laugh. “Seriously, though. I’m glad you had a good day.”

It took a moment before Yukio collected himself again, but the sincerity of Rin’s next words seemed to help. His expression softened. “And what about you, nii-san? Did everything go alright?”

“Oh, uhh….y’know.” Rin shrugged. He knew it was inevitable that he’d get asked, but he  _ really _ didn’t feel like getting into it. “It was fine.”

The look in Yukio’s eyes told him he definitely wasn’t buying it, but much to Rin’s relief he let it go. If only because he knew the same line of questioning would be coming later when they got home.

When they did arrive back at the monastery, they were immediately bombarded.

“Congrats on getting through your first day!” Maruta greeted.

“How’d it go? Tell us all about it!” Kyodo urged.

“Yeah! How are classes? Meet any cute girls yet?” Izumi chimed with excitement.

Rin and Yukio stood, mouths agape, too overwhelmed to get a word in. Before the questioning could continue any further, though, Nagatomo pushed his way to the front of the group, a hand out to settle everyone down. “At least let them get in the door first. Don’t you think they’ll want to wait to share with Father Fujimoto too, anyways?”

The other priests looked sheepish at his light reprimand. Thankfully, it was all they needed to back off. Both twins looked gratefully towards Nagatomo.

“Thanks. We’ll fill all you guys in, promise.”  _ No matter how much he didn’t want to,  _ they’d know he’d had a bad day just as well if he didn’t say anything as they would if he admitted it himself. It wasn’t like anyone should have been expecting anything different anyways, Rin certainly hadn’t been.

They head forward into the other room, settling down at a table with enough space for everyone.

“Where’s father?” Yukio was the first to note the absence of the man they were all waiting on the most.

“Ah, he’ll be back soon. Just dealing with something first, but it shouldn’t take long.”

“More of that dumb  _ exorcism _ crap?” Rin muttered. He still thought it was the  _ weirdest  _ thing the church did. The fact that his dad even indulged people enough to listen to insane stories about demons, pretending to get rid of things that didn’t even exist.  _ Who did it help to act like they did? It certainly never did Rin any good to let people think they were real. _

“What’re you calling dumb crap?!” As if summoned by the insult to his work, Shiro was suddenly thunking a fist down on top of Rin’s head. The teen jerked forward and whipped his head around with a scowl.

“Ow! What the hell?!”

Shiro laughed, moving along to take a seat while Rin continued to glare.

“Sorry ‘bout the delay. Got held up a bit longer than expected.”

“Welcome home, father.” Yukio greeted politely.

“Yeah,  _ welcome _ .” Rin echoed, considerably more sarcastically.

“Somebody’s grumpy. Was it that bad?”

“ _ Obviously. _ Kids already think I’m some sorta demon again. I didn’t even  _ do  _ anything.”

The statement was met with glances of pity, worry. Rin found himself suddenly growing more agitated by the second, desperate to escape all the eyes on him.

“Rin, I’m so sorry tha---”

“Whatever, it’s not like anyone thought it’d go any different, right? Just let Yukio talk about his day instead. I’m gonna go.” With that, he stood fast enough for his chair to tip back behind him and began to head towards him and his brother’s room. He’d promised to tell them all about how it went. He’d fulfilled that much, hadn’t he? He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. For as happy as he was that Yukio’s was better, he wasn’t really in the mood to hear about what a great time he’d had right now, either.  _ He’ll make it up to him later somehow. Let him share whatever he wanted before bed or something _ .

“ _ Rin. _ ” Shiro tried calling out after him, at the same time he could hear Yukio do the same. He ignored them both before slamming to door shut behind him and throwing himself face first onto his bunk.  _ This blows.  _ No way he’s making it through a whole year-----nevermind a whole _ three years _ \----of this.

He already knew he’d get an earful if he gave up so soon, though. At least a few more weeks, he can try to make it through that long. For his family’s sake, if nothing else.

_ But man, it was going to be hard as hell _ .


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG BIG BIG massive thank you to SidewaysClarinet for betaing this for me!! it was such a huge help that i cannot express my appreciation for enough. i hope everyone enjoys this one!

The next day didn’t go any better, not that Rin had expected it to. He was fully prepared for another day much like the first, hunkered down at his desk and dozing through lectures. For the first few classes, things went exactly as anticipated--that was, right up until lunch break rolled around. As he bent over to pull out his bento box and a pair of chopsticks, a hand came smacking down on the surface of Rin’s desk, startling him into alertness.

“Hey. You Okumura?”

Rin scowled up at the boy who had caused the disturbance. He stared at the bleached hair, the smattering of piercings across his face.  _ Was that even allowed at this school? _

“Who wants to know?” He didn’t like this guy’s vibe one bit, with his wide, crooked smirk across his face and the gang of lackeys flocked around him. They were the type of troublemakers that wanted to make sure you  _ knew  _ exactly who they were. Completely shameless. Rin had no issue making his own feelings clear right off the bat.

The response seemed to amuse the other boy, if the lingering sneer and the way he leaned closer over Rin’s desk were any indication.

“Name’s Shiratori. Rumor has it you’re a pretty tough guy, Okumura. How about coming to eat with us on the roof?”

Rin eyed him suspiciously. He had been expecting a taunt, not an invitation. He couldn’t say it wasn’t a little tempting. The quickly severed connection with Kohaku and the rapidly spreading rumors about his elementary school reputation had all but completely destroyed any hopes he’d had for making friends. He had no one, never expected anything to change that.

Yet there was someone reaching out to  _ him _ , even knowing exactly what everyone thought Rin was. There was a chance, dangling right in front of him.

His fists clenched on the surface of his desk, rage stirring up in his chest.

“Not interested.”

That wiped the self-important look right off Shiratori’s face, replaced with something utterly offended. “What’d you just say?”

“I  _ said, _ ” Rin stood suddenly, eye-to-eye with Shiratori, “Not interested. I’m not the kinda guy you think I am.”

He knew what they wanted, what they expected out of him. Rin didn’t go around  _ starting  _ trouble, not the way these guys did. It just seemed to follow him no matter what he did. An inescapable force trying to let him know that he could never just be _ good _ , everything he touched would go wrong.

He hated it. He hated being seen that way.

“Heh. You sure about that?” Shiratori looked pointedly down at Rin’s right fist. Rin’s own eyes shot down in the same direction. The wooden chopsticks had snapped in his grip, splintering pieces of wood embedded into his palm. Rin loosened his hold, letting the broken utensils clatter down to the floor.

“I’m not _ — _ ” He hadn’t realized his voice raised until he caught the group of girls at the front of the classroom looking over with nervous curiosity. His breath shook. He gave Kohaku a desperate glance where she cowered beside her new friends, all still nameless to Rin, then fixed his gaze back on Shiratori.

“Whatever you heard, I’m not like that. And I’d rather have no friends at all than join your little gang, got it?”

“Yeah, right.” He heard one of the eavesdroppers murmur to another then, low enough that she probably didn’t expect to be heard. He recognized her immediately, the girl who had turned his first friend against him. “I heard one kid got beat up so bad they had to give him a nose job.”

_ That couldn’t be true. At least, he’d certainly never heard that, even when he’d been forced to apologize at the boy’s hospital bedside. _

“My neighbor worked at True Cross Elementary.” Another girl spoke up, one who Rin wasn’t even sure he’d seen before at all. “One day she suddenly quit, and when my mom asked about it she said she was too afraid of the  _ demon _ to go back.”

_ Sure, it wouldn’t have been THAT much of a surprise if someone had quit because of him, but…. _

“Sumiko-chan from class B told me he bit someone so hard their arm almost fell off…”

Okay, that one he knew for sure wasn’t real.

Rin’s hands curled back into fists at his sides, fingertips pressing thin slivers of wood deeper into his skin. He could hardly feel the sting of it. 

“See? You’ve got quite the reputation. With a guy like you around, no one would wanna mess with us.”

Anger bubbled through his chest, threatening to boil over. He knew if he let it rise any more it would explode into something white hot and blinding. “Fuck off! Didn’t I say I’m not interested? What does anyone here know, anyways?!”

He hadn’t realized he’d reached out to grab the front of Shiratori’s uniform until he heard one of the girls let out a startled shriek. Shiratori’s wild grin only grew in response, like he was getting  _ exactly _ what he wanted as Rin practically snarled in his face.

_ Maybe they’re not all that wrong about him after all. _

The realization was enough to snap Rin out of the early stages of his rage— _ thankfully _ —and he let go of Shiratori before leaning back, breathing heavily.

He’d had enough. He tried, he wanted to stick it out for his family’s sake, but that was when he thought the worst thing he’d have to deal with would be the silence of solitude. After unceremoniously collecting his things, Rin stormed towards the sliding back door of the classroom and flung it open.

“Oi! Offer still stands!” The instigating boy called out after him with wicked amusement. “Seeya around,  _ O—ku—mu—ra— _ .”

The way he stretched out each syllable of Rin’s name made a chill roll down his spine. “ _ Gross _ .” He muttered to himself as he stomped down the hall, desperate to get out. He didn’t know where to go yet, but anywhere would be better than here.

He ignored the sound of faculty shouting after him as he picked up the pace out towards the front door, practically at a full sprint by the time he reached the gate. He knew the streets of Southern True Cross like it was mapped out in his bones, the streets he grew up racing through and exploring were the closest thing he had to a childhood friend. He let his feet carry him blindly, trusted muscle memory to carry him somewhere he could be alone.

Rin didn’t stop until a familiar swing set came into view, awareness returning as he came to a halt in front of the playground.  _ Of course he would end up here _ . Every crevice of the park kept warm memories tucked in fondly--the twirling plastic slide he used to pretend was a mountain as he climbed up the wrong way before sliding back down side-by-side with Yukio; the monkey bars where he knocked out his first baby tooth trying to flip over the top, the emotional whirlwind of going from fascinated by the little white bone to completely terrified that it would be gone forever. 

He swore he could remember Shiro laughing at him before deciding to explain that he was supposed to lose his first set of teeth and that new ones would grow in,  _ that old bastard… _

Even more vividly, though, he remembered waking up that night to the sound of Shiro sneaking from the room, a tender smile on his face as he ducked out the door. The spot under Rin’s pillow where he’d tucked away the tooth in a little bag was now heavy with coins instead.

He never did believe in the tooth fairy for more than a few hours, but he pretended to be shocked the next morning just in case Yukio wanted the chance to too.

Rin already felt his anger begin to subside here, his breathing steadying. He wandered over the pavement to the big, metal dome off to one end of the park. One of the randomly placed holes was just high enough for Rin to step right into, and from there he wiggled his way down into the dome. 

(When he and Yukio were little, they used to select it as their hiding spot every single time they played hide and seek, and every single time Shiro would pretend to have no idea where they could be as they giggled and conspicuously peeked through one of the holes.)

The inside was a little dumpier than he remembered from his childhood, riddled with cobwebs and a strange wet spot off to one side, one of those puddles that never seemed to go away no matter how long it’d been since the last rain. Nonetheless, Rin sunk comfortably into the space. He felt calmer now that he was away from the school, but the nagging sense irritation and  _ wrongness  _ never quite seemed to completely vanish. 

_ He should have let it all out, give that Shiratori guy what was coming to him. _ The thought snapped through his mind fast enough to frighten himself. No _ , _ he didn’t want that. He wasn’t like that. Rin never wanted to hurt anyone, even someone like that.  _ So why did he feel this aching sense of  _ **_regret_ ** _ over not tearing that grin right off the other boy’s face? _

Rin tried to shake it away, to focus his mind elsewhere. It occurred to him that he should try to make sure he’d make it back to the school gates in time to meet up with Yukio. Sure, he’d probably be honest with him about skipping if he asked, but he didn’t need to make him worry by being a complete no-show. The earlier events of the day had left him feeling drained, though. 

_ A nap wouldn’t hurt…  _ he thought to himself as he laid back with his head over his school bag, then closed his eyes. 

When he blinked awake a few hours later, the previously brilliant blue sky had already faded into the warm hues of dusk. _Crap_. Yukio probably freaked out when he didn’t show up to walk home together. He’d have to find a way to make it up to him later. (Rin seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.)

He hastily climbed out of the dome, stumbling forward and nearly falling on his face before managing to catch himself on his hand.  _ Ouch _ . The sudden pressure reminded him of the splinters still worked into his skin from earlier. (Looks like he’d have another thing to make up to Yukio for later.)

Rin rushed home, deciding that no matter how much he was desperate to avoid Shiro’s wrath for going off in the middle of the school day, not leaving either of them to worry was more important. If he just checked in with Yukio, he’d still be getting a lecture for sure but likely a much gentler one, easier to brush away. So, it just came down to avoiding any direct run-in with the old man for tonight. 

When he arrived back at the monastery, he tried his best to creep in silently and slip off to his and Yukio’s room without drawing any attention.

“Rin.”

_ Mission failed. _

His father stood as if he'd been waiting for him this whole time, arms crossed and leaning against a doorframe.  _ Definitely not happy. _ Rin couldn’t see the flash of relief in his eyes, didn’t notice the shaky exhale he’d let out before speaking.

“Uhh….hi.” Rin attempted to look as innocent as he could, a sheepish expression passing over his face. He knew it was a lost cause,  _ but hey, worth a shot, right? _

“I got a call from your teacher earlier. She told me you  _ ran out _ at lunchtime and never returned. Apparently you caused quite the scene, too,” Shiro said, as if he were repeating her words exactly.

The feigned innocence instantly wiped away. He knew he’d be in trouble, but this was  _ much _ worse than expected.

“Okay...yeah. So I _might’ve_ ditched some class. These guys wouldn’t leave me alone. I was gonna...I almost—so I _had_ to…” He stammered for an explanation, but struggled to find the words amongst his rising anger as he thought back to the incident. Shiratori up in his face, _that infuriating grin_ , the increasingly outrageous rumors spreading like an infection through the class. He didn’t belong there, the old man _knew_ this. He had to. “What does it matter, anyways? S’not like anyone expected me to do any better.”

Shiro sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose then. His frustration remained, but his tone mellowed into something a little more soft with concern. “Rin, this year was supposed to be a fresh start for you. A chance to really get out there and make some friends! I’m rooting for you, and so is Yukio and everyone else here. We all want to see you succeed. But you have to put in the effort. The least you could do is _attend class._ ”

“Whatever!” Rin shot back, ready to storm off to his room for the second night in a row. “I don’t get along with any of ‘em and I’m not gonna! I’m not good at any of that school stuff either, so what’s the point in even trying?!”

“Will you  _ listen  _ for a second?” Shiro huffed, exasperated. After a second, his expression gentled. “I’m not asking you to become the most popular kid in school, or the top student. I know things aren’t easy for you, but that doesn’t mean you can just give up completely. Fix the attitude and just give it your best shot, okay?”

Rin really wanted to continue being angry, he wanted to shout at the top of his lungs and wreak havoc on the entryway, but something in his father’s tone soothed over the worst of it and instead he found himself grumbling down at the floor. “I just can’t do this. I’m not cut up for it.”

There’s a pause, a brief moment of absolute quiet that fell over the two of them before the sound of a short, huffed laugh suddenly broke through the air. It was enough to pull Rin out of his own head, away from the storm of negativity that had just been brewing so that he could give his dad a look of utter bewilderment.

The sight of his reaction only seemed to spur Shiro on further, laughter growing louder and harder until he practically collapsed to the floor. Rin’s mouth opened and closed a few times, wanting to ask what was so funny but finding himself completely speechless. Words still hadn’t returned to him by the time Shiro composed himself once again. “I’m sure glad you’re not cut up, kiddo.”

“Huh? Wh-what are you talking about? That’s the saying, isn’t it?!” Rin was shouting again, though now with more flustered irritation than anything deep or rageful. “Hey! Quit laughing!”

Shiro briefly pulled off his glasses with one hand, wiping away tears of laughter with the other. “Y’know, if school really doesn’t work out for you, you could always give stand-up a try.”

“ _ Shut up _ . I don’t get what’s so funny anyways, you’re weird.”

“It’s cut  _ out _ .”

“I knew that!”

“See what I mean? Comedy genius.” The heaviness in the air had all but evaporated by then, and Rin found himself feeling surprisingly grateful for the old man’s antics. Somehow, things felt like they could be okay.  _ For now, anyways. _

“Go ask Yukio to take care of that hand for you. Apologize too, while you’re at it. I had to talk him out of hunting you down earlier, you know.” He must have felt it too, because he was already speaking much more casually than he’d been when Rin first walked through the door.

“How did you—” He looked down at where his splintered palm had turned an irritated red and purple from his fall.  _ Oh yeah, that was sorta hard to miss. _ “Nevermind. I already planned on it.”

He was already walking off when Shiro’s voice called out one more time. 

“And Rin?”

“What?”

“I love you. Don’t ever think that anything could possibly change that.”

“ _ Gee. _ When’d you become such a sap?” Though ‘ _ I love you too’ _ remained unspoken, it was heard loud and clear.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the small delay with this one! i wanted to work a bit ahead before posting again! i hope you enjoy!!

“ _ Ouch. _ ” Rin flinched and resisted the urge to pull backwards as Yukio delicately pulled another wooden sliver from his hand.

“You shouldn’t have just left it like that for so long.” The younger twin huffed, releasing the piece between his tweezers into a small trash can resting beneath them. “It could get infected if you aren’t careful.”

“I get it already. I apologized for making you worry, didn’t I?” It’d been the first thing he’d done upon poking his head through the door into their shared room, in fact. 

He recalled thinking that Yukio would go easier on him than their father, and the idea seemed almost comical now. Yukio wouldn’t give him a break, and unlike his lectures at school, Rin couldn’t just tune his brother out.

“It’s not about that, Nii-san.” Yukio’s reply was as predictable as the frown it comes with. “Why is it so hard for you to just stay out of trouble?”

“I didn—” Rin began to defend himself, but quickly opted against it. It wasn’t like Yukio was  _ wrong _ , and even if he thought so he was too tired to argue. It’d been a day, Rin didn’t even feel like he’d napped for so long earlier, he was already ready to just crawl into bed and be done with it. “I dunno. Bad luck?”

Surprisingly, Yukio chuckled a bit at that. It was a quiet huff of sound, one hidden behind his sleeve, but Rin caught it. It made him feel a little better, quelled some of the guilt stirring in his chest and left a warmness there instead.

“You can certainly say that.” Yukio agreed, and the deeper suggestion of pity in his tone went right over Rin’s head. He cut off a strip of bandages with a quiet snip before delicately wrapping Rin’s hand. “You’re all set.”

Rin lifted his hand and examined Yukio’s handiwork. “Thanks,” He sounded cheerier now, more content, “You’re gonna make a really great doctor someday, y’know. One of the best!”

“You’ve given me plenty of opportunity to practice.” His twin teased, easing into the more comfortable mood as well. “Although I can’t exactly say I’m grateful for it when it means you keep getting into trouble.”

“Yeah, right.” Rin stuck out his tongue. “You’re gonna be thanking me one of these days!”

The rest of the night passed easily, and for once Rin drifted off to sleep with renewed optimism.  _ Who cared what any of those kids thought of him?  _ What mattered was what Yukio thought, and their father. What mattered was not making  _ their _ lives harder with his presence in it. Rin wasn’t capable of very much, but he could at least do that.

This newfound determination had him waking up early the next morning, sleep still uncleared from his eyes as he padded barefoot into the kitchen. The sun was at the point of rising where it glared painfully bright through the windows and washed over the worn floorboards. Rin stood for a moment in the sunspot, practically purring at it’s warmth. It would be so easy to fall back asleep, just standing right here…

He shook his head rapidly and wiggled around, jostling movements to try to wake himself up a little more. He had gotten up for a reason, there was work to get done.

Each step of making breakfast seemed to fuel Rin with energy and wake him up more. A few eggs cracked, rice left to simmer, fish tossed into the pan, and he was nearly dancing around the kitchen.

“I must still be dreamin’.” Came a voice from the entryway so sudden that Rin went airborne for a moment before spinning around to its source, finding his father and brother both stepping in together. “That, or there’s an intruder in my kitchen. No way the real Rin would be so lively this early. You couldn’t wake that boy up with an explosion.”

“Good morning, Nii-san.”

Rin rolled his eyes at the old man’s jests. “A g’morning from you too would be nice.” He mumbled just above the sound of sizzling fish. Then louder, “Morning, Yukio.”

“Good morning, kiddo. Make enough to share?” Rin heard Shiro pull out a chair behind him and settle down at the kitchen table as he spoke.

“Should be enough for everyone.” Rin answered as he lowered the heat of the stovetop and moved over to the cabinet to dig out plates for the three of them.  _ Weird _ ...where’d they all go?

“Uh, Nii-san? I don’t think we’ll be needing that many.”

The sound of Yukio’s voice pulled him from his hazed search, and he looked down at the counter to find that, sure enough, there’s a stack of plates that had previously been held in the cabinet he’s still shoveling through.  _ Huh.  _ He couldn’t seem to remember pulling them all out. Even with them all in front of him now, something still felt  _ missing _ .

“Right...just wanted to leave enough out. Must’ve miscounted.” He shrugged off the strange little itch at the back of his head. Half the stack goes back into the cabinet, leaving just enough for himself, the old man, Yukio, and the rest of the priests whenever they show up.

Rin fixed plates for each of them to start, balancing one in each hand by his fingertips and the third gripped precariously between his wrist and his bicep as he made his way over to the table. Rin maneuvers to place them down before taking his own seat in an empty chair across from them.

“Looks like your brain wasn’t as ready to get up as early as your body was.” Shiro commented with the slightest chuckle before taking a bite. His eyes widen in delight as he does. “ _ Mmm,  _ definitely didn’t give you any problems with cooking, though. This is delicious!”

Rin resisted the urge to roll his eyes again. “Whatever. Can’t blame me for being tired. You’re the weird ones for always getting up so early.”  _ And for a run, no less,  _ if the sweat still cooling on Yukio’s brow was any indication. “When did you start working out, anyways? You never told me anything about that.”

Yukio looked surprised by the observation, clearly not expecting his brother’s sudden perceptiveness. It was only a split second of reaction before he regained the soft smile on his face. “A few years, actually. You’ve just never been awake before I’ve gotten back, so I never thought to tell you about it.”

“You could’a shared it with me anyways.” Rin replied with a joking half-pout. “I can’t believe my wimpy little brother has been out getting stronger behind my back. What other kinds of secrets are you keeping, huh?”

Yukio looked far more at a loss for words than Rin thought the joke actually called for. He was about ready to stumble into an awkward apology, assure him that he wasn’t actually offended and that he thought it was really cool, when they were saved from continuing the awkward conversation by a steady trail of new arrivals.

“Something smells amazing!” Izumi exclaimed with a deep inhale through his nose.

“Rin! What a pleasant surprise this early in the morning. Did you make breakfast?” Nagatomo sounded delighted.

“Oh, uhh, yeah. Help yourselves.” Enthusiastically, they do.

The rest of the morning passed with a calm, easy atmosphere. Rin had practically forgotten all about school and how much he was dreading the thought of making his return after yesterday’s incident until Yukio stood to clear his plates and announced he was going to get changed and ready to go. Rin’s shoulders dropped and the suppressed dread began to work it’s way heavily back through him as he followed to do the same.

He picked up his uniform from the laundry pile at the foot of his bed where he’d sloppily tossed it the night before and threw it on without concern for its wrinkled state before heading over to the bathroom to brush his teeth and half heartedly fix his bedhead. He stared into the mirror for a minute, deep blue eyes narrowed in thought. The itch that had started before breakfast still lingered, and he felt like he was forgetting something.

He shrugged away the feeling once more. It couldn’t be that important if he couldn’t even remember what it was.

He wanted to stall a little longer, but he couldn’t let it be his fault if Yukio were late too. So, with a deep, unsteady breath, he pushed forward.  _ Let’s just get this over with. _

At the entrance to his classroom, though, he began to have second thoughts. He could just leave again, skip the whole day this time. It’d be so easy, and he doubted he’d sleep all the way until evening again. No one at home would even have to know….

But his thoughts moved to getting home and being asked about his day later, to being faced with the options of either confessing his guilt or  _ lying _ \---neither sounded like a particularly great option. He didn’t want to disappoint them so soon, or keep something like that hidden.

_ It’ll be fine, _ He tried his best to assure himself. If he just laid low, hopefully no one would bother him. If he’s extra lucky, maybe Shiratori and his gang would be inexplicably absent for the day. He slid the door open and tried his best to avoid eye contact with anyone as he entered.

“Okumura! Glad to see ya came back after all!” A familiar, revolting voice jeered from the other end of the room. Of course. Rin’s luck was shit. “I was so  _ worried _ we might’ve scared you off. But of course a guy like you’s got more guts than that.”

_ Keep your head down, ignore him ignore him ignore him----  _ He tried his best to will himself not to engage in the slightest, but he couldn’t resist shooting the boy a glare as he moved past him. Rin threw himself down into his chair with a soft  _ thunk _ and scrape of the legs. Shiratori’s attention is still on him, and it looked like he had far more up his sleeve, but graciously Rin is spared from hearing any of it for now but the arrival of their homeroom teacher and a call for the class to settle in before they began.

This time when lunch rolled around, Rin was quick to shrug his bag over one shoulder and veer out of the room before anyone in it could come over to bother him. He power-walked through the school that he’d still yet to explore most of, in search of the most secluded spot he could find. He wasn’t taking any chances today, refused to repeat any of the mistakes of his first two days. He searched and searched until he might have circled the whole school multiple times, before finally settling on a spot just outside the back of the gym to eat.

It was nicer out here than in the classroom, anyways, Rin realized as he settled down on top of the flat part of the step’s concrete railing. He’d always enjoyed being outdoors over being shut in, he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought of this from the beginning.

As his most enjoyable lunch yet came to an end, Rin began to drag himself back to class with more than a little reluctance. He wouldn’t have minded just spending the rest of the day like that, if he could. Technically, there’s nothing stopping him from doing exactly that, but he dragged forward anyways.

It’d be stupid to let those guys make him cower away.

_ He didn’t want to hear all the suspicious whispers and the rumors anymore _ .

He could live with it, even if it sucked. He lived with it for years already.

_ He was so tired of being seen as a monster. _

It didn’t matter what anyone thought, he reminded himself of that all the time.  _ His family _ . His family was what mattered.

_ But how long was that guaranteed to last, anyways? _

Shiratori, Kohaku, a nameless sea of faces. Whatever they saw him as didn’t matter, none of them mattered! Rin could handle this, he could make it through. He wouldn’t let anyone down anymore than he already had. Three more years, then he can go out and get a job and repay the monastery for taking care of him all these years, and help Yukio get through school.

_ Would he even be able to manage that, though? It would be so much easier to give up on it now. He was tired of playing along, tired of putting up with everything, tired of holding it all back! He was just tired, tired, tired— _

“Okumura-kun? Will you be attending my class today?”

He whipped around at the sound of one of his teacher’s voices, snapped from his overwhelming spiral of inner conflict. Guilt bloomed when he realized he had no idea what the teacher’s name was, or what subject they actually taught. Just that he remembered seeing her drone on at the front of the classroom following lunch the first day.

“Ah—yeah. Sorry.” He mumbled, then stood awkwardly for a moment before realizing her expectant gaze was for him to either enter the room or move out of her way. He sidestepped, allowing her to go first before trailing in from behind and slinking back into his desk.

There’s an itch at the back of his head that won’t go away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i’m posting this a little early because i can’t contain myself. hope you enjoy!!
> 
> warning for some violence in this one,,,just to be safe.

The next few weeks pass, shockingly, without much incident. Rin managed to brush off the nervous glances of the other students when he passed by, and even Shiratori hadn’t bothered him all that much since his absolutely miserable self-introduction. It seemed like the other boy was waiting for something, plotting and biding his time before making another approach. Rin didn’t care for now, as long as he got a break in the meantime.

He finally started to find a routine, something satisfying and easy enough to fall into. He got up way earlier than he ever did before, still floating in between sleep and wakefulness as he started breakfast. Slowly and pleasantly, everyone else at the monastery would make their way into the kitchen for a taste when he was done. It was a grounding piece of his day, something that brought him enough steadiness to make it through the rest. Something reassuring enough that he could push down the nagging sensation of something forgotten that never seemed to leave him.

His grades were still abysmal, but at least he was attending every class (even if he slept through a few) and he’d even managed to hand in a few assignments on time. (Their accuracy was another matter, but it was  _ something _ .) It was the best anyone could ask of him, really. 

Things continued that way as spring rolled around into summer. Break was right around the corner, and the prospect of a few weeks off had Rin in higher spirits than usual.

So of course it all had to come crashing down.

“ _ Aww, c’mon!  _ Don’t be like that, babe!”

Rin was on his way back to class from his usual lunch hiding spot, looping the long way around the building so he would return as close to the bell as possible, when he heard the gratingly familiar voice from around the corner.  _ Great _ . Well, at least he hadn’t fallen into sight yet. He could wait it out easily, Shiratori would most likely be headed in the same direction he was anyways so they wouldn’t run into each other as long as Rin took long enough.

_ Still….what the hell was he up to? _

The answer to that came as the sound of another familiar voice, softer but edged with frustration, and Rin’s heart plummeted down into his gut.

“I have to get back to class….”

“We got plenty of time. What do ya say we ditch class altogether and go—”

“Hey! Leave her alone!” Rin couldn’t wait for the situation to escalate any further. He moved on his own before even realizing it, rounding the corner and shoving a smug-looking Shiratori away from where he’d backed Kohaku up against the vending machines.

“Oh, Okumura-kun! I’m so glad you could join us! I was just getting to know sweet Kohaku-chan here. We’ve all been in class together so long now, isn’t it a shame we haven’t gotten to chat more?”

There was something particularly unsettling about the glimmer in his eye, something in the sneering tone in his voice that suggested he’d been expecting Rin to show up. Like he’d been waiting for him.

“You really don’t know how to take a hint, do you?” Rin’s voice was sharp with anger, a growl at the back of his throat. “She obviously doesn’t wanna hang out with you.”

“Is that so? That puts us in the same boat, doesn’t it?”

_ No,  _ he wanted to shout.  _ It’s different, that’s just a misunderstanding.  _ Rin wasn’t anything like him, he wouldn’t be. Rin knew when to back off, when to leave someone alone no matter how much he wanted  _ someone, anyone, please don’t leave him alone he doesn’t want to be alone he’s tired of being alone he’s tired he’s tired----- _

“ _ Shut up _ .” Was all he managed to growl out as burning, almost instinctive rage and exhaustion began to overcome him.

“Struck a nerve, huh? It’s alright, Okumura-kun. Kohaku-chan might be too good for us, but  _ my _ arms are wide open for ya.” As if to emphasize, Shiratori stretched out his arms wide in front of him. A mockery of a hug.

He was wearing thin, holding back and laying low for so long beginning to take its toll. He didn’t feel any more in control than he ever had as a child, only  _ repressed _ after so long without letting go. The culmination of his first two days, when he’d pulled back before losing himself entirely, weeks of built up frustration from whispers and frightened glances and one pair of sinister eyes that never seemed to so much as blink away, exhaustion from putting on a show of confidence and improvement for everyone rooting for him back at home. An itch at the back of his head that  _ never ever, ever, ever  _ left him.

“ _ Shut up! _ ” The world around him blipped away, and when it came back, Rin was already leaping at Shiratori, sending them both tumbling down until the bleach-haired boy’s head came smacking down onto the pavement with a nasty click. “Stop lumping me in with you!” His fist went flying, connecting with Shiratori’s cheek and making his head bounce against the cement again. 

“I’m nothing like you!” He just barely registered that his hand was wet now, and an ugly gash above the stump of Shiratori’s eyebrow reminded him of all those piercings,  _ those stupid piercings, who the hell was letting him get away with wearing all those in school anyways? _

“I’m not like that! I’m not like that!” Somewhere in the distance, Kohaku screamed, and Rin knew this was bad, he needed to  _ stop _ , but his fist was wet and his vision was red and every muscle and nerve and cell in his body felt like it was going to explode. He couldn’t feel himself moving, couldn’t make out his own words as he shouted the same thing over and over like a prayer, a holy hymn. It was only the hoarseness of his throat that made him register it was his own voice, only the wetness dripping down from his knuckles to make thin lines over the back of his wrist told him he was still moving.

It took three teachers to pull him off of Shiratori, and Rin was pretty sure he managed to injure two before coming back to himself, if the way the gym teacher to his left cradled his own shoulder and the--- _ what subject did he teach again? Had Rin even seen him before? _ \----other teacher to his right nursed a pair of broken glasses were any indication. The moment everything around him came back into focus, he felt utterly frozen, drained, like he was being drowned in thick wet cement. Everything was heavy and Rin had no energy left to fight against the pull of it. With wide, still slightly-dazed eyes, he looked straight ahead at Shiratori as the other boy was being helped up by someone Rin assumed was the school nurse.

Underneath the mess of red and black and purple across his face, Shiratori was grinning like he’d just won the grandest prize in the world.

Rin felt the world tip, then flash black and white. Whatever happened in the next few hours after that, he had no idea.

He woke up to the sight of familiar bed slats above him, recognizable even with the only light in the room coming from the crack beneath the door, a warm yellow sliver. Everything ached like he’d been hit by a bus, and immediately he wished he could will himself back into unconsciousness. He closed his eyes again, trying, but in spite of his grogginess fate seemed determined to keep him awake for now.

On top of the pounding in his brain and the throbbing through his muscles _ , _ his throat felt like it had caught fire. He noticed with despair that his nightstand was empty before rolling, slowly and painfully as his shoulders and joints cracked in refusal, out of bed and onto his feet. If he couldn’t sleep away the pain, the least he could do was get himself some water.

He glanced back at the bed behind him, up at the top bunk where he could make out Yukio’s slumbering form through the darkness. He was turned to the wall so Rin couldn’t see his face through the shadows, but the gentle, steady sound of his breath brought a smile to his own. Careful not to make any noise and risk disturbing his brother, Rin creeped slowly and opened the door just enough to slip through.

Out in the hallway, he let out the breath he’d been holding in his attempt to stay quiet. He didn’t bother to dampen himself quite as much as he headed towards, but he had no clue what time it actually was, he didn’t want to accidentally wake anyone.

So he wasn’t trying to sneak around, not really, but he was making a conscious effort to stay quieter than usual when he passed by his father’s office. Quiet enough that he caught the low sound of his voice from inside without even meaning to.

“It’s been getting worse.”

Rin’s heart sank. He couldn’t be talking about him….could he?  _ But what else could it possibly be? _ He pressed an ear to the door. If it was about him, he had a right to hear, didn’t he? He’d listen in just long enough to find out for sure.  _ It probably wasn’t _ , it had to be,  _ it couldn’t be _ , there was no other possible explanation.

“It’s the first time he’s lost control like this since last year, but—” Whoever was on the other end of the line must have interrupted, because his father cuts off in the middle of whatever he was about to say. When he spoke up again, he sounded significantly more agitated. “I  _ know  _ that, dammit. You’re missing the point. He’s been more out of it lately, like he keeps losing himself. That’s never happened before.”

Okay, it was definitely about Rin, then. But who could the old man be sharing things like that about him with…? Who would possibly care?

“Yeah. Yeah, I checked it. Nothing was any different. All sealed up as usual.” There was another stretch of silence as the mystery person over the phone responded, and Rin wished desperately he could overhear both sides of this conversation. “But still, it’s gotta be  _ something _ . Whatever that something is, I need to know so I can get it under control. He was doing so well, I don’t want him to lose that now…I can’t— _ they can’t find out about Rin yet. _ ”

The last part is so low, it’s almost inaudible through the wood. Rin wondered for a second if he misheard because of that. He had to have, what could it possibly mean if that’s what really had been said? Who were  _ they  _ and  _ what did they want with Rin? _

“You’re no damn help at all. I don’t even know why I called.” The sound of Shiro’s voice rising again, still quiet and secretive but loud enough that Rin could tell what he  _ really _ wanted was to yell out, made him jump and slap a hand over his own mouth nervously. He was trembling, he realized when his fingertips met his cheek.

“Not like I have much of a choice, do I? But yeah…I’ll keep that in mind. And let you know if anything changes.” He sounded a little more mellowed now, or at least too worn out to keep up his irritation. Whatever was said to him after his snap must have been enough to bring him back down.

“...Thanks.” There was only a mild hint of sarcasm, and though Rin couldn’t hear the words before it to know exactly how long it took Shiro to say, it seemed hesitant in its delivery. With that, there was a  _ click _ of the phone being put back down into its cradle.

Rin scrambled then, before the silence had time to settle in. He hurried back to his room, less quiet than before, each thud of his heart sending a new wave of panic through him. The burning of thirst in his throat was long forgotten, pushed aside by a much more terrifying new concern.

_ What the hell was wrong with him? _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! i’ve been so so SO excited to share this chapter with everyone! i have shiratori reiji brainrot i love him so much
> 
> i hope you like it as much as i liked writing it!!

Shiratori Reiji had never been a good kid. Growing up, his parents had a lot of words to describe him. Chaotic, destructive, a handful,  _ just impossible _ . Good was never one of them, so Reiji didn’t spend very long trying to be good. His parents didn’t care if he got a good test score, or made a new friend. They didn’t bat an eye if he decided to do the dishes before the housekeeper came in for the day, except the time he accidentally smashed one of his mother’s favorite teacups in the process.  _ That _ got a reaction out of the woman herself, even if it was swift and harsh.

The choice became an obvious one to Reiji. The more he acted out, the more they would look at him. He couldn’t deny the thrill it gave him, either. The way his heart hammered wildly in his chest the first time he ran down the street with an unpaid porn mag shoved in his jacket, the feeling of soaring. The sounds and sights of destruction could be beautiful, too. The glimmer of a lit match tossed at an abandoned old shed, the shatter of glass bottles struck by an arrow.

Rebellion brought him more friends, too. A group of boys that laughed when he tossed rocks at bands of pigeons until they scattered, who lent him cigarettes and believed him when he said he’d been smoking since he was nine before taking his very first huff.

Eventually though, all the little things stopped working as well as they used to. His erratic behavior became expected, his parents grew hopeless in their disciplining, and their anger faded from shouted lectures about  _ disgracing the Shiratori name _ to silent disappointment. Even when he came home one day with bright purple hair, dyed by one of his friends in the bathroom at the public park they’d unofficially dubbed their base, all he got was a deep sigh from his mother, a shake of his father’s head. They’d already given up on him, so it wasn’t enough.

He did the first piercing himself, just days before he was set to enter middle school, poking through his lower lip with an embroidery needle stolen from his mother. When he finished, he found her in the living room, cradling a cup of tea, and tossed the bloody instrument onto the couch beside her. “Thought I’d return this. What do ya think?”

“I think that you’re going to take that garbage out of your face if you ever expect to be seen with your father and I in public again.” She answered with a scowl.

“Don’t wanna.” Reiji responded with a smirk.  _ Yes, yes, get mad! Don’t you just wanna hit me? Don’t you wanna scream till your face is red? Look, look at me! _

“You’ve always been a horrible child. Why do you have to make things so hard for us?” Despite the flare of anger when he’d first presented himself with his new look, she seemed resigned again already. Reiji felt his excitement begin to dwindle away.

_ Because it’s the only way. _ He could never quite bring himself to answer. It wouldn’t be fair if he did, they should figure it out on their own.  _ The only time I matter is when I’m ruining things for you. _

“It’s more fun that way.” He gave a half-truth instead. It wasn’t  _ all _ for the sake of his parent’s attention, even if they drove him the furthest. He liked his new friends, he liked the chaos, he liked how  _ cool  _ he felt now. He liked the way other pedestrians veered out of the way when he went down the street, he liked being  _ bad news _ .

“You’re hopeless.” She responded with a click of her tongue. That was as much effort as she seemed willing to give him for the day, though, her attention turned back to the book in her lap.

Reiji wanted to put up a fight, he wanted to rip the book away and tear it to shreds. He wanted  _ something, anything _ to rile her up again. He wished he was a little kid again, discovering the joys of destruction for the very first time and being rewarded with a quick smack across the cheek. Pressing his own hand to the red mark left behind and thinking,  _ this was the warmth of a mother’s touch.  _ He wanted so much more---he wanted her to  _ look at him, yell at him, hit him, anything! _

Instead, in his frantic haze of frustration, he ran. Out of the room, out of the house, feet slamming down on the concrete as he ran further and further, shoving people out of his way without any regard---towards a park that had become far more of a home now than the roof over his head at night was. 

No one else was around, fine by him. He took the solitude as an opportunity to yell up to the sky, feeling as flakes of dry blood cracked on his lips with the motion. A nearby tree became the subject of his rage, his knuckles scraped across jagged bark. A few blows were enough to bring him down, at least. He slumped against the tree, sank down until he rested with his arms stretched across his bent knees.

With the adrenaline wiped out of him, the uncomfortable feeling of misery settled in its place. Was he really so lacking in value that nothing he did could matter? Would he really never be anything more to his parents than an easily-covered blemish?

_ Had he always been like this? _

**_Aww, are you starting to feel sad?_ **

“Who the h----” His head jerked up, startled by the sudden voice, but there’s no one in sight. Only empty air.  _ It sounded so close, not just next to his ear, but in his head itself. _

**_That’s because I am in your head!_ ** The distorted voice responded to his thoughts.  **_You’re at your limit, aren’t you?_ **

He was going insane, that was the only explanation. Maybe he’d given himself an infection with his self-piercing, or something. Maybe it was exactly like the voice had said, he’d reached his limit. He was tired of feeling like nothing no matter what he did. He was tired of cheap thrills and empty satisfaction.

**_Haha! That’s what I thought. You want more, don’t you?_ **

He wanted to stop chasing after his parents, he wanted to become someone that mattered. Not like a trashy delinquent like him could ever hope for something like that, though.

**_Ah, that’s where you’re wrong! Stop letting those stupid humans bring you down so much. I’ll give you all the freedom you could ever hope for._ **

“Seriously! What the hell?! It’s not like I can do anything!” He shouted at the nothingness around him, his head falling back and an arm draped over his eyes. It was like his own mind, his own madness, was taunting him.

**_Gee, you’re just as stupid as the rest of them. I’m telling you I can! Just let me handle everything, will ya? I only need a small favor in return._ **

“Whatever.” He muttered. “Do whatever you want.”  _ It wasn’t like this was real anyways. It wasn’t like anything would change. _

**_That’s what I like to hear._ **

Suddenly, an overwhelming pain seized every inch of him. Every nerve felt like it was being singed away, his brain bubbling and melting in his skull. He tried to cry out as agony overtook him, but something invisible constricted his throat and even the movement of his jaw felt distant, detached.

Black spots filled his vision. Floating around with—were those faces? And little tails? He couldn’t take it, everything hurt and he couldn’t move, yet unconsciousness seemed to elude him. It was like he floated inside his own mind, attuned to his senses but unable to do anything.

“Man, it feels nice to have such a young body again!” He felt his jaw moving, and the voice was so distinctly his own, but he wasn’t talking. He  _ knew  _ he hadn’t spoken.  _ What is this? What’s going on? _

“You’re even dumber than I thought, kid! Thanks for making things so easy for me.”

With a sinking feeling, Reiji started to come to the realization that he hadn’t been as delusional as he’d thought.

“Ah, by the way. I like this thing here.” Whoever— _ whatever— _ had taken up control of his body gave his lip piercing a sharp tug, and even though he couldn’t feel his own arm move to yank it, somehow he still felt the pain it brought. “You don’t mind if I get a few more, right?”

Though posed as a question, it was pretty clear whatever the thing wanted to do was going to get done. Reiji thrashed wildly in his own mind, trying to reconnect to his muscles, regain control.  _ No! This wasn’t what he wanted! _

“Shh, shh, shhhh. Settle down in there! You’ll wear yourself out over nothin’.” It laughed, standing and stretching his limbs out in front of them. “I’m a demon of my word, so don’t worry. I’ll give you what you really want, and I only need you to let me take your body for a ride to run some errands in return! A pretty good deal, don’t ya think?”

A demon.

A  _ demon _ had taken control of him, and now he couldn’t even operate his own body. All because he was a complete moron, agreeing to a mysterious offer from a voice he hadn’t even thought was  _ real _ . He was so  _ stupid stupid stupid _ .

“Aww, don’t be too hard on yourself! If it’s any consolation, it wouldn’t have been that hard to just get in by force if you hadn’t agreed. This just makes things more secure. Mutually beneficial, really!”

It was the last thing Reiji processed before blacking out.

When he came to again, he still couldn’t move his body, but he could feel  _ everything _ . His hands were sticky and wet, his clothes were drenched, he—

Everything was red. Far too red.

He tried his hardest to absorb his surroundings, though it wasn’t easy when he couldn’t turn his own head. The same black spots he’d seen earlier were everywhere now, floating through the room around him and clinging to his clothes. He recognized the grimy tile floors of the park restroom, the same one he’d dyed his hair in. He was definitely coated in blood, without a doubt, but he didn’t feel himself injured anywhere, which meant—-

There was a dripping sound coming from one of the stalls, and if Reiji’s reflexes were his own right now, he swore he might have hurled.

“Oh, are you done with your beauty rest?” His own voice spoke out to him.  _ The demon _ . “I hope you don’t mind, I had a little fun while you were asleep!”

As if revealing a masterpiece, the demon nudged the door to the nearest stall open with his foot and made a grand, sweeping gesture. Reiji almost blacked out again at the sight before them.

The body definitely wasn’t one of his friends ( _ thank god _ ) but he was pretty sure he recognized that face. Some guy he’d seen around the park a few times, he thought he might’ve seen him pushing drugs or something.  _ Not that that mattered. Not that that meant he deserved such a death as this. _

The demon seemed oblivious to Reiji’s horror, though considering it was in his head it must have been a deliberate lack of acknowledgement, as he laughed delightedly at his own handiwork.

“Kid, we are gonna have  _ such _ a good time together!”

From then on, the demon wasn't the least bit shy about making itself at home in Reiji’s body. Thankfully, nothing quite as violent as the scene inside that bathroom ever seemed to happen again. To the best of Reiji’s knowledge, anyways. He was beginning to find that as a passenger in his own body, it grew harder and harder to stay aware and awake. The longer the demon stuck around, the more Reiji found himself slipping.

It was surprising, though, how much of the life he  _ was _ able to stay tuned into stayed relatively the same. Sure, the demon taking the lead seemed much more violent and harsh and impulsive than Reiji had ever been, but he still hung around the same crowd, smoked the same cigarettes, stole the same box of hair dye when Reiji’s roots started to show. His friends didn’t even seem to notice the difference, he wondered what that said about him.

It even took their shared body to  _ middle school  _ once the school year began. Something that baffled Reiji completely.

“Trust me, I’m not thrilled about this.” It spoke in response to his shock as it tried to figure out the buttons of his uniform that morning. “But orders are orders, I’ve gotta play the long game here in order to get what we want.”

There was another thing. It never explained exactly what it was even trying to do in the first place, and ignored any of Reiji’s attempts to prod for answers. It simply went on in the vaguest terms about this favor Reiji supposedly still owed him, some mission he had to fulfill.

Whatever it was, Reiji dreaded finding out.

And then he met Rin Okumura.

The first day of school, all the demon did was watch him. Reiji didn’t understand why, until he overheard the girls sharing stories about how terrifying he supposedly was. He didn’t look that bad at a glance to Reiji… grumpy, sure. But nothing as bad as himself. But if the demon was so interested in him…

_ Could he really be a demon?  _ Was he possessed too, trapped in his own body just like Reiji was…?  _ Why the hell were they both attending middle school, then? _

He got his answers the next day, when it finally made its move and confronted Okumura. Okay, so… not another demon? What did it want with him then?

He couldn’t stop thinking about it, pondering over every possible explanation. He was pretty sure the only reason he ended up getting one was because it was getting fed up listening to him.

“You really wanna know, huh?” It asked him the next time they were alone, up on the school roof and flicking a lighter on and off. The little black things that seemed to always swarm him now bounced away from the light of the flame with little squeaks. “I won’t bore you with all the details, you wouldn’t get it anyways. Let’s just say that kid’s someone really important to my boss, and you and I are gonna help him reach his full potential.”

The demon laughed, a hideous and inhuman sound despite it coming from Reiji’s vocal chords. The answer only left him feeling even more lost and afraid of whatever was coming.

He was out again when Okumura attacked them. One moment they were crowding some poor girl against the vending machine (and Reiji was reminded that this wasn’t all that different than he’d always been, but somehow watching it happen like this made him realize just how  _ nasty _ it really was) and then his head was hitting the pavement, and he was gone. He came to later in a hospital bed, one eye forced shut by bandages above it and everything else feeling swollen and sore.

“Rise and shine!” The demon greeted, sounding ecstatic as he groaned internally. What was it so happy about? Clearly Okumura had given them some pretty solid blows. That couldn’t have been on purpose, could it? “We made some beautiful progress today, you know! It won’t be too much longer till our dear prince is ready to come home.”

_ Prince…?  _ The word took a moment to register. So that meant… Okumura really was a demon… one considered  _ royalty _ , no less. But… 

_ “I’m not the kinda guy you think I am.” _

He wasn’t possessed like Reiji was, at least that didn’t seem to be the case. Did he even know at all? He had to find a way—-he had to regain control of himself. He had to talk to Okumura.

A knock at the door disrupted him as he tried to process the information. A sweet-looking nurse poked her head in. “Shiratori-san? You have visitors.”

From behind her, Reiji could spot a familiar head of messy black hair.  _ Speaking of _ . Beside the scowling teen was an older man that Reiji didn’t recognize, dressed in the robes of a priest. When the door opened wide enough for a glimpse inside the room, his eyes widened for a split second, then narrowed on the teenager with an intensity so terrifying, Reiji wondered for a moment if  _ he _ could be a demon too.

_ A demonic priest...how ironic would that be? _

He felt his face twisting up into a grin, despite the pain of scabs splitting back open with the movement. “Well, what a fun surprise! Let them on in.”

The nurse nodded, and stepped aside to allow the two into the room. The door clicked shut behind them, and just like that she was gone. Leaving the three of them alone in a room so thick with tension, Reiji felt like he could suffocate on it.

Maybe it’d be for the best if he did.

**Author's Note:**

> any comments will receive all my love and gratitude. ❤️


End file.
